Who's In Your Gym?
THE HALF REPPER-- As the name implies, this guy absolutely never
completes a full rep, regardless of the exercise. He is notorious for
putting way too much weight on the bar and completing half a rep, if he's lucky.
This often is most obvious when he attacks the squat rack. After making a great
show of putting three plates on each side of the bar, he only squats down a
whopping six inches! And he wonders why his legs won’t grow.
THE 80s BODYBUILDER-- This bodybuilding throwback just can’t get past the fact
that the 80's have come and gone...especially when it comes to bodybuilding
fashion. He must have absolutely every possible pair of baggy clown pants ever
designed hanging in his closet. You'll also catch him wearing those silly
ragtops that show half of his underdeveloped pecs, plus those dated shoes that
look like high top ballet slippers
THE SCREAMER-- This wannabe bodybuilder has to be one of the most annoying of
all gym freaks. He wants everyone to know he's big, strong, and hardcore.
To accomplish this he indulges in completely unnecessary howls. With each
rep, he grunts, groans, and screams louder and louder, until finally-when the
set is over-he stands up to see how many people saw his incredible
performance...Not!
MR. ILS-- Everyone, and I mean everyone has seen at least one Mr. ILS or Mr.
Imaginary Lat Syndrome. This is the clown who looks like he's carrying a
watermelon under each arm, supposedly trying to convince the rest of us that his
back is so big he can’t put his arms down by his side. If only these
buffoons knew how ridiculous they looked.
THE UPPER BODYBUILDER-- Up to 75 percent of every single gym is made up of
"Upper Bodybuilders". One guy I knew was also known as The Flamingo or The Tank
Top. Why? Because of his chicken legs and nonexistent calf
development. The name says it all. This joker only trains his upper
body. You'll never see these guys in a pair of shorts. If by chance
you do, it's those Bahama shorts that go past the knee.
STEVE STICKFIGURE-- Steve goes from gym to gym, and has the
remarkable ability to let everyone in the gym know how GREAT his body is.
He wears all the latest bodybuilding clothes Crazeewear, Otomix, etc.
Steve knows more than anyone about training, and is more than happy to share his
knowledge. Of course this generally happens when you're in the middle of a
rep. It's too bad Steve weighs 135lbs. cell phone, and gold chains
included.
THE PEC-DECK POSSE-- They generally move in groups of five, so beware!! No
one knows for sure how many teams there are, but they run from gym to gym
surrounding the pec-deck machine. A word of caution, DO NOT try to enter
their circle!! It's a shame they cannot bench their own body weight.
CARLA COROLLA-- Carla is quite the legend! No one has bigger balls than
Carla when it comes to wearing spandex to smooth out cellulite. You can
recognize her by the 1/2 inch of cake she wears on her face to smooth out the
divots. Carla's name comes from the famous Toyota Corolla than runs
forever, and Carla runs from one gym to the next...forever!
ANNA DROL-- Anna is the chick that looks like Chyna, benches more than half the
dudes in the gym, and has sexual organs longer than a footlong hot dog.
Her voice sounds like Tone Loc when she asks for a spot, and stretch marks
across her pecs that would rival the hardest core lifter. After her
workout, she disappears in the locker room, only to emerge looking like a monkey
wearing a mini skirt.
BILL FLOODGATE-- Nerdy looking clown, headphones, popular science magazines, I'm
sure you've seen him. Fifteen minutes into his workout, he leaves a puddle
of sweat on everything he touches. Towels will not work on Bill, so use
caution when approaching him!
RANDY RATCHETJAW-- This Bozo never works out, stays in the gym for three hours,
greets everyone like he's known them for life, and constantly spews forth babble
from that wadgobbling hole under his nose. Randy is easy to overcome, a
simple slap usually will suffice, but the best method is to inform him that Bill
Floodgate needs a spot...Heh heh heh!
AUNT BEE-- Aqua Net hairdo, leaves a cloud of perfume vapor that
lingers for three days, sits on a machine for 1 hour showing pictures of her
grandchild Opie that looks like the missing link. I know you've seen
her....Never discuss a recipe with this broad!!
THE BENCH BUNCH-- I don't need to go into this to much. They are three
guys who hog the bench, never do legs, and will pile on three times the weight
they can actually bench. Their reps consist of the bar dropping at a rapid
rate to their chest, while the other two pop blood vessels in their heads to get
the bar back up. Once the rep is complete, there are high fives all the
way around. Indented chests, and hockey stick legs identify these clowns!
CANDY CARDIOBUNNY-- The absolute treadmill wonder of the gym. One solid
hour at warp speed for this chick, and all without a rest. Never lifts
weights because she doesn't want to look “Bulky“. Candy can be identified
simply because she looks as though she could hang glide from a Doritos Chip!
BEN BACKINTHEDAY-- Ben's a hoot. He comes up with long lost exercises, and
training methods that have been locked away in the pyramids. Poor Ben
suffers from ELS, a very rare disorder for which there is no cure. Around
the gym it's known as Exaggerated Lat Syndrome, which forces the afflicted to
walk around bellowing while the arms are extended at 45 degree angles giving the
impression of huge, Coleman-like lats. Wide-grip chins have been reported
to reduce the effects of this grossly deforming disease.
BUNNY SPANDEX-- Gotta love Bunny. She has the unearthly ability to stop
workouts, make older men act 18, and has an ass that could crack walnuts whole!
She wears the latest “Show me everything" attire, blonde hair, perky breasts,
and has a following that would rival Jesus at the gym. Generally
accompanied by Arnold Roidhead, so beware!
ARNOLD ROIDHEAD-- No gym is complete without a few Arnolds around. Most of
the time, the biggest, loudest, and most obnoxious guy there. He has a
following of slaves that worship his every move and slobber over him and his
bulging roidgut. Careful with Arnold though, he will swell up to immense
proportions when Bunny Spandex walks in, and it's best not to make eye contact
with him or her until she leaves. Arnold must see a doctor at least once
per month to have new parts placed in his head to maintain bodily functions.
GARY GOATFARMER-- Gary is one of the most hated guys in the gym. Comes in
straight off the farm, goatshit splattered boots, dirty jeans, and removes his
flannel shirt down to a yellow-stained tee shirt to work out in. Gary can
simply clear a room by his presence alone. There is no known defense for
Gary, but it has been reputed that soap may reduce the after burner qualities he
has!
WILLIE WIFEBEATER-- They travel in groups of 2 to 12. Pants straight from
MC Hammer's wardrobe with ground dragging crotch. White wifebeater shirts,
pasty white skin, hats turned backwards, and at least 10 body piercing spread
out all over their 110lb. bodies. Their function at the gym remains
unknown at this point.
LARRY LOCKERROOM-- Most of the time Larry is in his 70's or 80's at least, no
one knows for sure. Larry, after his workout, likes to spend at least an hour in
the locker room naked, prancing around with elephant like wrinkles, and more
chins than a Chinese Restaurant. He will use the blow dryer to dry
private parts of his body, and feels no shame at striking up a conversation with
you at this point in time. I think my training partner has the best cure
for this. He calls it ABC!! Absolute Bowel Control, as he puts it, his squat
hardened ass doesn't hit porcelain until Larry has cleared the locker room.
I feel this is sound advice and should be followed at all times.
FRED FITNESSTRAINER-- Fred has all the certifications, and has passed all the
written requirements, he just seemed to forget the physical ones. Usually
can be seen with 2 to 3 others built like him, and can be heard telling them
what everyone is doing wrong. This of course is between bites from his
Twinkies while proclaiming he is bulking for some non-existent powerlifting meet
he has been training for, for the last 12 years.
JIMMY CHIA-PET-- Jimmy can make the most hard core lifters shudder! He
seems normal when he walks in and heads to the locker room, but what exits is
straight from the jungles of Bangladesh!! Very tight onion-skin running
shorts left over from the mid 80's, and nipple showing lifting tee's straight
from any hard core BB magazine, and with no socks or shoes, Jimmy is awe
inspiring!! He has thick, gorilla-coarse hair that covers every inch of
his troll like body, it actually grows up his neck, though generally clean
shaved, it's still a very scary site. If you've never seen Jimmy at your
gym, see the movie Lord of the Rings, he had several parts in that flick I've
been told. I cannot bring myself to see it at this point.
GREG GORILLABOY-- Greg works out alone, and is the opposite of the Benchbunch
gang. Greg has very short legs, but his arms drag the ground. Greg can be
identified by the roller skates he wears on his hands so his knuckles won't
scrape the carpet. Never does bench, he just squats. All of Greg's
pants must be special ordered from K-mart.
THE GERBIL-- “SHUDDER" I'd rather not go into this, but he's the guy that hides
back in the corner watching all the big guys pound iron. Looks like
Hannibal Lecter, and talks with a lisp. Never make eye contact with him,
act like he's not there. Avoid at all costs unless you want a 6 foot by 3
foot plot of ground in his back yard!!
SALLY SPREADLEGS-- She comes to the gym to pick up Iron Brothers. Never
works out, and can ruin a good workout with one Pall Mall voiced sentence.
Has the IQ of a cricket, and can be identified when leaving by the eight
children she has in tow. Avoid at all costs, or your gym career is over!
KENNY KNOWSTHEMALL-- Kenny knows everyone, and he's the GREATEST! If you
don't believe him, just ask him. His advice starts out with, “Ronnie told
me” or the famous, “Flex has said many times” and lest we not forget “King
Kamali and I did “. These types generally cannot distinguish between fantasy
land and the real gym. It's also a known fact they cannot enter any
bodybuilding function due to the pending stalking charges. Depending on
your physique level, you may wish to avoid, usually gives sound advice to Arnold
Roidhead.
MARK MrO-- Mark’s been training for the Mr. O for many years. And Mark is the first to let you know he's going this
year, of course we did as well, but our tickets had better seats than his did.
Harmless, but can be irritating.
PETER POPAZIT-- This gym wonder forgot side effects of steroids and has a
roadmap atlas of zits across his back and chest. He gets his name due to
the popping noise his zits make when doing heavy bench and bent over rows...For
safety reasons, you should wear goggles when working around Peter!
CARLY CAMELTOE-- Carly is AMAZING!! Straight off the treadmill, nice sweat
going on, and straight to the weight room for the intense workout portion of her
day. Face down on the leg curl machine, tight shorts, up the legs
go......Need I say more? Heh heh heh....
HARLOD HOCKEYSTICKS-- The upper body wonder of the gym scene people. Upper
body is flawless in every respect, and actually seems to be a nice guy in a way.
Wears nice baggies to workout in, decent shoes, good form, what else could you
want. When you see him at the beach is when the shock sets in, Harold
never works legs, and in the tight swim suit he's wearing his legs look like
hockey sticks, or perhaps he's riding a chicken.
THE HALF-REP GURUGODS-- A must for every gym, and not complete without them.
Most of the time huddled around the squat rack with 5 plates on each side.
The noise they emit from their pie holes is staggering and done to ensure
everyone will pause to watch the enormous feat coming up! The first of
the group bangs head off the bar until blood flows from his forehead (a hardcore
habit), unracks the bar emitting a Tarzan like scream, lowers 4 inches into a
squat, then stands erect once again to complete the awe inspiring rep. We
are generally left dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity of this act, yet they
perceive it to be God-Like looks of worship...Ignore them and move on!
HAL HALITOSIS-- AVOID at all costs. Hal's diet consists of shitburgers for
every meal, and his breath reeks of their after effects. If you're caught
unaware and he starts a conversation with you, Stretch has the best advice.
Take deep breath, turn face to the side, and close one eye, as Stretch puts it,
“It’s better to be blind in one eye than both eyes!” Truly a nightmare.
THE SUPERHERO GANG-- Skin tight spandex showing off disgustingly perfect bodies,
flying here and there like giant mosquitoes, throwing lightning bolts at each
other and saving the world between sets. I hate these guys!
ANGIE DIMPLEKNEES-- The self proclaimed Oreo-Cookie Queen of Bodybuilding.
Easily spotted due to the fact you'd have to roll her in flour to find a wet
spot. She appears out of hibernation January 2nd, but her life is short
lived and returns to hibernation February 3rd for another year. Harmless,
but a GREAT cook!!